This how I started writing this post:
There are times when I feel great- and it shows. I wake up well rested, the dark circles under my eyes are almost gone, it doesn't hurt to put my feet on the floor when I get out of bed, and I'm not dragging myself through the shower just to throw something on at the last minute. Those are my favorite days; those precious mornings I rarely get where I truly am putting my best foot forward. With Fibro, I don't get those days often, and so I try and make the best of them.
I had to stop there because I didn't want to lie, to myself or others.
I wanted to express the importance of what "my good days" look like; the days when my mind isn't clouded with Fibro fog and I generally feel pretty good. I wanted to focus on how hard it is sometimes to just get out of bed, but when you do and you feel good its important to let yourself reflect that in your outward appearance and demeanor. I really do feel strongly, at least for myself anyways, that it is important to look good when you feel good because that feeling carries you through the day and the positive attitude you share can spill over into days afterwards. But, I find this really difficult to share and to describe. It is by no means a simple task to do everyday and it is one I previously took for granted. The ability to get out of bed in the morning, to go through the motions of the day, when you know the moment you open your eyes that you aren't quite sure if your feet will hurt when they touch the ground, or if the water in the shower will wake you up or lull you back to sleep.
What keeps coming into my head when I think about remembering to love myself is to not forget who I am. I find it easy to forget myself, and maybe that is also a symptom of living in the world we live in. It's as though in my fog, in my struggle to live with Fibromyalgia and to just be human, I lose who I am and my sense of self is constantly being diminished or challenged. I know we all struggle- it's the human condition. We live our lives trying to figure out who we are as a person in our social worlds (do you see what I just did there- sociologist geek shinning through!). I can't stand losing myself in the shuffle of life and I know there has to be away around that...or maybe that is just part of the struggle; to not forget.
I know I am a a bit different anyways- I always have been and have been described by others as "being cut from a different cloth". I have almost never felt like I could fit in anywhere, and yet find myself the constant social butterfly who can chameleon my way into any social situation (for better or for worse). Because of all these things, I find myself forgetting who I am in a sense. I do not mean this literally, but I know when I am myself again because I sort of wake up. The fog lifts and my mind is clear again. My convictions always become stronger and I remember that, even in the most difficult of times, I know who I am, what I believe, and what I am willing to fight for. I am all at once reminded of how I got to where I am, and why I do the things I do.
I remember and I refuse to let the Fibro, or anyone or anything, to take that away from me. I have to remind myself that when I get dressed, I am beating my Fibro. When I put make-up on it is my "war paint" for the day. When I stand firm in my beliefs and respond accordingly, no one is speaking for me but myself.
When I remember, it is an act of both defiance and self-preservation.
There are times when I feel great- and it shows. I wake up well rested, the dark circles under my eyes are almost gone, it doesn't hurt to put my feet on the floor when I get out of bed, and I'm not dragging myself through the shower just to throw something on at the last minute. Those are my favorite days; those precious mornings I rarely get where I truly am putting my best foot forward. With Fibro, I don't get those days often, and so I try and make the best of them.
I had to stop there because I didn't want to lie, to myself or others.
I wanted to express the importance of what "my good days" look like; the days when my mind isn't clouded with Fibro fog and I generally feel pretty good. I wanted to focus on how hard it is sometimes to just get out of bed, but when you do and you feel good its important to let yourself reflect that in your outward appearance and demeanor. I really do feel strongly, at least for myself anyways, that it is important to look good when you feel good because that feeling carries you through the day and the positive attitude you share can spill over into days afterwards. But, I find this really difficult to share and to describe. It is by no means a simple task to do everyday and it is one I previously took for granted. The ability to get out of bed in the morning, to go through the motions of the day, when you know the moment you open your eyes that you aren't quite sure if your feet will hurt when they touch the ground, or if the water in the shower will wake you up or lull you back to sleep.
What keeps coming into my head when I think about remembering to love myself is to not forget who I am. I find it easy to forget myself, and maybe that is also a symptom of living in the world we live in. It's as though in my fog, in my struggle to live with Fibromyalgia and to just be human, I lose who I am and my sense of self is constantly being diminished or challenged. I know we all struggle- it's the human condition. We live our lives trying to figure out who we are as a person in our social worlds (do you see what I just did there- sociologist geek shinning through!). I can't stand losing myself in the shuffle of life and I know there has to be away around that...or maybe that is just part of the struggle; to not forget.
I know I am a a bit different anyways- I always have been and have been described by others as "being cut from a different cloth". I have almost never felt like I could fit in anywhere, and yet find myself the constant social butterfly who can chameleon my way into any social situation (for better or for worse). Because of all these things, I find myself forgetting who I am in a sense. I do not mean this literally, but I know when I am myself again because I sort of wake up. The fog lifts and my mind is clear again. My convictions always become stronger and I remember that, even in the most difficult of times, I know who I am, what I believe, and what I am willing to fight for. I am all at once reminded of how I got to where I am, and why I do the things I do.
I remember and I refuse to let the Fibro, or anyone or anything, to take that away from me. I have to remind myself that when I get dressed, I am beating my Fibro. When I put make-up on it is my "war paint" for the day. When I stand firm in my beliefs and respond accordingly, no one is speaking for me but myself.
When I remember, it is an act of both defiance and self-preservation.
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