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| Just a little something I took while walking the dog. |
I thought, just briefly, as I often do that maybe I don't have Fibro- it's all in my head and the pain I feel on a daily basis is actually caused my stress, lack of sleep or some other such ailment yet to be named. I walked into the office thinking I would walk out with nothing to show for my trip except for a few spins around the campus parking lot. I didn't think the experience was going to be easy, but I didn't expect it to be so hard- or rudely awakening (in a good way).
No, I walked in casually, trying not to make a big deal about anything even though I was nervous. The girl who I met with was nice, she asked me questions about my Fibro that were easy to answer; I felt at ease and understood the tests- I had read the information and I didn't have any questions, and I was totally unprepared.
What I didn't expect was the response I got from the program coordinator, who I think is a nurse, but I'm not 100% positive. She was kind and honest, which I appreciate. More importantly, she knew more about Fibromyalgia than anyone I have ever talked to about it has. And more importantly than that, she opened my eyes to my reality.
For years, I have told myself that I can do this on my own and that nothing has changed. I told myself I could manage my pain through diet and exercise, and I let my fear of the unknown get in the way of the truth. The truth is, I can't. I can't do this alone or "naturally." Now that I think about it, the idea is almost absurd.
There I sat, in the chair in the lab, ready to give a blood sample, find out the next steps in this process, and go home to have a glass of wine and watch the sunset from my patio. What happened was an outburst of tears, something that has become pretty regular, and a reality check. I sat there, and listened as the program coordinator told me I hadn't quite registered enough on their scale for the study- I was too hypersensitive and they needed more. I won't go into the details of the screening process, but needless to say, I was floored. I thought I was in a good place, at least in a functioning place.
She was surprised to learn I am not treating my FMS with any medications, and even more surprised when I told her I was trying to "do it naturally." I felt my eyes water, the lump in my throat, and I knew I didn't have control. What she said next was probably the only thing I needed to hear- I needed help and I didn't have to go through this alone.
She proceeded to explain how Fibromyalgia affects the brain, the role of Norepinephrine and Dopamine, and how there is a basic chemical imbalance in the brain of a person with FMS. She explained that the problem is not just the pain in the muscles, but also the chemical imbalance in the brain that can often lead to increased hypersensitivity- both physically and emotionally (hence the sporadic, uncontrollable crying- no seriously, she said the tearfulness is due to the hypersensitivity to everything). Without treating the chemical imbalance, it is almost impossible to treat the physical pain. She confirmed that I do have Fibro, especially since I have been diagnosed by a rheumatologist, that it's not all in my head, but often FMS patients feel that way.
I walked out feeling a little shaken up, but realized I needed to get help. I realized I can't do it by myself, and that's really ok. In the long run, diet and exercise are going to help and need to be part of my treatment, but it can't be the only form of treatment. I've been more aware since I left the office; I've paid more attention to what I am doing and am trying to stop myself from over doing anything- so I won't spiral into more pain.
I've already made my doctors appointment to get a referral for a rheumatologist; hopefully for one who understands Fibromyalgia, who won't refer to it as "a junk diagnosis," and will be able to find a medication that will work for me. I will be going back in a week for a second try at the screening, fingers crossed it will go well.
