Reflective on Politics and the Ignorant Things People Say

Last night, Ann Coulter tweeted this hateful statement: "I highly approve of Romney's decision to be kind and gentle to the retard."

First of all, I have a younger brother with a disability, my family and I have fought long and hard against this kind of hatred. Having lived through several years where people used this word to describe him, and experiencing how detrimental this type of bullying is to a person's self-esteem, I found her statement to be rude and offensive.

Second of, I have to be honest; I had to Google Ann Coulter last week. I usually get my news from outside media sources like The Guardian and BBC, and more often the "Liberal" media sources like NPR, and didn't realize just how rancid a human being she actually is, until I saw some of the things she says on Twitter (like calling the President the "r" word or saying parents should disown their gay children).

I shouldn't really be surprised by how ignorant or down right hateful people can be, but for some reason- maybe its because I allow my faith in humanity to be restored every so often- Ann Coulter's comments do surprise and, of course, offend me.

So, how do I respond? How do those of us that find her offensive continue to respond? Clearly, I am only one person among many and writing a well thought out letter confronting these offenses would do nothing. Why doesn't her PR Rep stop her in the first place? What makes matters worse is that I am sure she has "followers" and "fans" that not only agree with her and share her opinions, but also teach and preach these opinions to their children, family, friends, and neighbors. Ignorance, hate, intolerance, and social injustice is a parasitic condition facing our nation. Perpetuating this condition will only serve to further divide an already increasingly segmented and divided country.

It's not about being a Liberal or a Conservative, it's about being a good person- a good American or citizen of the world (we do live in a globalized world)- who is accepting, tolerant, understanding, educated and informed. We cannot speak of equality, if our actions do not reflect what we say we believe. If you don't agree with the political stance a person or candidate takes, make a well-thought out argument against their platform and suggested policies. Name calling only makes you look ignorant.

Medication: One Month In Reflection

I wanted to write sooner, but life has gotten busy. School has picked up again, and I have been focused on reading (lots of reading) and writing (there should be more, but I'm a little behind).
After 1 month on Savella, numerous web searches for drug interactions, phone calls to the Nurse Practitioner at my doctor's office, and two follow up visits (1 for vein health), I think the prescription is working. I've adjusted my eating habits to have a heartier and healthier breakfast: either organic oatmeal or Greek yogurt and a raw granola bar (I love Fage Peach Greek Yogurt and KIND Coconut Almond Bars- plus KIND has this amazing mission to give back to the global community, which as a sociologist, I get so jazzed about).  I drink a lot more water than I did before I started the meds and am trying to maintain a regular sleep pattern.

From my mother-in-law's garden.

I don't have much more to say about the experience other than to express my gratitude and that's it's been really positive.  I am so thankful I was able to talk openly with my doctor about what I needed and wanted to try, for the staff at the study I wanted to participate in for giving me a wake-up call, and for my husband who has walked this path me.  I am grateful that I have the clarity of mind I had before my diagnosis. I am grateful that I can function better- no sleeping on the couch after work, no naps in my car at lunchtime, and less painful steps first thing in the morning.

Now that I am better than I have been in a long time, I have a few agenda items to take care of. First and foremost, I need to get back on track with my thesis. For that, it will take reading, writing, and editing. I'm planning to do a content analysis of social networking sites, like Twitter, to better understand how social movement organizations create a sense of solidarity with their supporters, activists, and followers. It's very interesting and difficult as a new Twitter user not to skew my own data by tweeting and retweeting some of the organizations I follow. I've been called a nerd for my interests and growing knowledge on the subject, but I really don't care. It's almost funny to me now to see the look on people's face when I try to explain to them what I am doing, or what I hope to do at least. I love what I'm pursuing and that is all that matters- well that and the end result.

The second most important thing I plan on working on is my health. I've been out of shape for some time now, and I'm ready to get moving again. I've scoped out a few gyms and am planning on joining the Y; their sliding scale family rates are great and we are on a budget- so that matters. Plus the kiddos can take swim lessons, go to camp, and have a free place to hang out while my husband and I workout (or attempt to).

Finally, I need a hobby that is about me. While I love to read and have read some great books (which I will write another post on), I really want to get back to doing the things that make me uniquely me. I miss taking photographs with my dad's old camera, I miss going to yoga class, and I really miss playing the piano. I want to save up to get my piano fixed (it was my great Aunt's piano and the keys need to be refelted) and then I want to take lessons again. I tried playing the guitar, but the I can't turn my wrists the right way without experiencing some pain. I think I'd also like to be crafty too; I'd love to learn to sew, repurpose old furniture, and make our living space more organized and functional (can you tell I play on Pinterest way too much?).

So that's what I've been thinking about and working on this last month. I hope by my next reflective post I have at least started one of things things and continued it for more than a week. I'll let you know. In the meantime, if you are considering talking to your doctor about medication for your FMS, consider your options, do your research, and ask a lot of questions.  It has been so worth it for me to come out of my medication naivety, and to start taking better care of myself. It's helped me emotionally and physically, and now I can start focusing on living again.

Shoes: The Hunt Begins

When I think of shoes, I think of many things:

YouTube videos:
"Ohmygod, shoes."

"Shoes; I couldn't stop thinking about them."- I kept thinking about the "Ultimate Dog Teaser" video that went viral a few months ago on YouTube. I couldn't stop laughing at it the first time I saw it, and I swear I laughed so hard my sides were hurting.  I must have watched it 10 times first time I saw it (obviously, I had to share it with my friends), and occasionally I find myself tempted to look at it again, just for the comic relief.

Quotes from In Her Shoes (thank you IMBD for the reference)
Maggie Feller: Shoes like these should not be locked in a closet! They should be living a life of scandal, and pasion and getting screwed in an alleyway by a billionaire while his frigid wife waits in the limo thinking that he just went back into the bar to get his cellphone. These are cute too.
Rose Feller: Please tell me you just made that up.
Maggie Feller: Look, if you're not going to wear them... don't buy them! Leave them for someone who's going to get something out of them.
Rose Feller: I get something out of them! When I feel bad I like to treat myself. Clothes never look any good... food just makes me fatter... shoes always fit.

The rush I get when I walk into a shoe warehouse like DSW and the smell of new shoes surrounds me, and I find myself wanting to try on everything- including shoes I would never consider wearing or would ever wear, but want to own just for the sake of owning. this usually includes shoes with some sort of animal print, formal shoes, and to-the-knee boots (you may know them by their other, less blog appropriate name "f*** me boots"). Whew, that felt good.


Now, I don't know how most people are, but I am a woman who loves my shoes. When I was in college, I was passionate about pink.  Pink makes my skin look fresher and clear, and it, as my grand-step mom Marion would say "It goes with everything." So, when I graduated, I wore a pink floral dress that had just a little bit of pink tulle under the skirt and the most magnificent, perfectly pink suede shoes.  The toe was pointed and the heel was about 2" high.  They made my feet look a little less hobbit-ish and my legs look a little longer. They looked great with everything- dresses, jeans, slacks (navy and black). I quite honestly think they were made for me.  In one word they were STELLAR. I will never forget them (RIP perfectly pink shoes). I wore those shoes through graduation, through the rain, to meetings, to bars, on dates and job interviews.  I wore them till they wore out, and when they did I packed them into a shoe box and said goodbye. I didn't know at the time that I probably would never find another pair of shoes quite like that and it may seem silly, but I have been on the hunt for another perfect pair of shoes since 2010, only this time my criteria has changed.

When it comes down to it, all I want to do for this post is talk about buying a pair of shoes that won't destroy my feet and cause me to spin into a Fibro flare. When I was younger, I never thought about how my shoes would impact the rest of my body, with the exception of whether or not the shoe just didn't fit- literally (and I guess figuratively too). 

Now that I've become more Fibro conscious, I am very particular about my wardrobe, especially when it comes to my feet.  For the last couple of years, I've primarily purchased flats and wedges for work. I've found these styles to sort of work for me, but they are always the best. Flats tend to cause pain in my heels and arches.  Wedges work well, but the balls of my feet can hurt and I find my legs get tired a lot faster (again, I try not to exceed 2" and never anything more than 3").  I also usually wear comfortable and sensible shoes into work, and then change at the beginning and end of each day.

Currently, I have a pair of gray wool blend wedges for the fall/winter, a pair of black patent flats for anytime (both from Payless), and a recently purchased but not yet worn pair of black patent wedges with a black and white patent bow I bought from TJMaxx (I think they are by Etienne Aigner).  I also have a pair of suede platform heels (3") that I wear for weddings.  When it comes to actually wearing anything with a heel, I get a little nervous for 2 reasons (and the first is ridiculous). 1) I am so self conscious about my weight and body that my wardrobe is limited.  I don't wear a lot of skirts and dresses, as much as I love them, and I usually wear darker colors to hide the 40 pounds I've put on since my diagnosis (I'm only 5'3", so any weight gain shows). 2) I'm nervous about the effect the types of shoes I wear will have on my feet and my overall level of pain.  Because of these reason, I usually stick to what's safe and affordable. Well, too bad so sad for me- this isn't working anymore and I'm going to have to branch out. Weekends, I still plan on sticking to my tennies, birks, and TOMS (unless attending a formal event).

So, I am on a mission: to find the perfect pair of shoes.
Here is my criteria:

1. Comfort- I have to be able to walk
2. Style- Following Marion's golden rule, it will need to go with everything (nude, black, gray or navy)
3. Style 2- They should be age appropriate- not too old and not too young. I know I have pain issues, but for Pete's sake, I don't want to wear a pair of shoes that look like I bought them off an old lady (no offense old ladies, I love ya, but I'm not there yet).
4. Comfort 2- I need shoes that will support my high arches and that won't pinch. 

Medicaition Week 1- So Far, So Good

Smooth sailing, Petoskey MI

I haven't had the clarity of mind that I have right now for several years. It seems odd to me that after so long, I could feel this way, and I am beyond grateful for it.
After 1 week of starting a medication to treat my Fibromyalgia, I am feeling confident that I can say I think its working.
Adjusting to the medication itself hasn't been easy; it's caused a lot of nausea while my body gets used to the meds. The first night was awful- so much that my husband invested in Dramamine, Nauzene, Pepto, raw almonds, and ginger ale all in an effort to make the nausea go away.
After my body adjusts to the increase dose (I'm still on the titration pack, and my doctor has me using two packs so that I get to the regular dose over 1 month rather than 2 weeks- which is brilliant), I feel better; I sleep better, my feet don't hurt when I get out of bed (so I'm not afraid to get out of bed anymore), and I'm finding my energy levels increasing.


I was worried about starting the medication when I did; my cousin was getting married the Sunday after I had just started and I was nervous that I would be out of sorts for her wedding. I think the trip actually helped me adjust more. I slept a little longer, had home cooked meals (we stayed at the Bay View Inn, in Petoskey- go there, you will thank me), and walked around town. I went to Walloon Lake, where Ernest Hemingway spent his childhood summers and even went on a ride in my cousin's speedboat. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to toast my cousin on her wedding day, but found that the alcohol didn't effect me that way I thought it would (I thought I would be instantly sick).

What I have found is that eating right before taking the medication helps reduce the nausea, and drinking plenty of water throughout the day helps reduce dry mouth (which I found increased when I started the meds). There are still some wonky side effects I haven't gotten used to: increase night sweats, and some mild irritability. I imagine these will pass with time.

Overall, I am relieved. Next up- adding exercise...and that pesky little thesis!

Medications: Day 1

That's my girl on her dad.

Whoa, so not prepared for the first evening on the new meds. Savella is the type of medication where you have to introduce your body to it slowly, and let it build up in your system.
My first mistake was thinking I could eat a Frosty from Wendy's and then take the first dose and be fine. Such was not the case.
About 30-45 minutes after I took the first and lowest dose, I had some nausea and dizziness. It was so uncomfortable that I had to lay down in my car (we were out grabbing dinner and running errands) while my family finished dinner and made a grocery run. I was definitely out of it, so much so that I was slurring my words and not making much sense.
When we got home, I chowed down on some ramen noodles and felt so much better. The combination of more food, quiet and rest helped a lot. After that, I did feel better. I rested better too. I have to say it was one of the better sleeps I've had in a long time.
Tonight will be the second time I take the lowest dose and I will be better prepared. I have over the counter, anti-nausea chewable tabs, almonds, and more ramen.
I start classes tonight, so I'll have to wait till later to take my second dose, but at least I know better how to deal. The first night side effects weren't great, but I know I have to keep trying so I can get better and I am still trying to be positive (although more than anything I want to go home, skip class, and curl up in my sweats with my dog- see photo- and a good book).

Best and Most Uneventful Tuesday

From my Instagram Album

Today has been great. Seriously, I have never felt better. I mean that in the sense that I actually feel like I know where I'm going with my life. That still sounds weird...I don't have any life altering plans. I don't even know what I'm doing for dinner tonight. But after today, I feel like things are headed in the right direction.
I saw  my primary care doc today- she is the best, by the way and I'm so glad I finally found a doctor I like in a healthcare network I like- and now I feel like things are going to sort of go back to the way that they were or are at least back on track.
I went asking for a referral to a rheumatologist and what I got was a plan of care that is going to work better for me- which is what I need. Since I have already been diagnosed with FMS and I don't have any serious complications or autoimmune diseases, I don't need to see a rheumatologist. Instead, I can see MY doctor. I don't have to get to know anyone new and I don't have to pay the $40 specialist co-pay. What is even better is that my doctor listened to me and came up with a plan of care with me, instead of just for me.
So here it is:

• I start a new prescription for the Fibro called Savella (I will post about what it is and where to read about it).
• In one month, I go back to see how I'm doing. 
• She is going to treat my ADD (my last doctor insisted I see a psychiatrist once a week and would not prescribe a thing- so we were talking a psych visit once a week plus the cost of a prescription, and reporting back to my PCP. Yeah, that did not go over well). 
• If I need to see a counselor (which I may, because oh my goodness, I have never actually dealt with the emotional impact of being diagnosed with a chronic pain condition), I can.

All of these things, plus the sunshine, the fact that it's almost Labor Day weekend (read: long weekend) and I start classes again has made me hopeful. I hope I can get back on track with my health. I hope I can regain some control. I hope I can once again focus on my degree. My doctor did exactly what I needed: she listened and came up with a plan with me. Now I feel like I can have [most] of my life back (clearly without the somewhat self-destructive behavior of my early twenties).

Wake Up Call

Just a little something I took while walking the dog.

Friday I went to be screened to be part of a study on Fibromyalgia, and I had my doubts about my qualifications for the study, but not for the reasons I may actually not qualify.
I thought, just briefly, as I often do that maybe I don't have Fibro- it's all in my head and the pain I feel on a daily basis is actually caused my stress, lack of sleep or some other such ailment yet to be named. I walked into the office thinking I would walk out with nothing to show for my trip except for a few spins around the campus parking lot. I didn't think the experience was going to be easy, but I didn't expect it to be so hard- or rudely awakening (in a good way).
No, I walked in casually, trying not to make a big deal about anything even though I was nervous.  The girl who I met with was nice, she asked me questions about my Fibro that were easy to answer; I felt at ease and understood the tests- I had read the information and I didn't have any questions, and I was totally unprepared.

What I didn't expect was the response I got from the program coordinator, who I think is a nurse, but I'm not 100% positive. She was kind and honest, which I appreciate. More importantly, she knew more about Fibromyalgia than anyone I have ever talked to about it has. And more importantly than that, she opened my eyes to my reality.

For years, I have told myself that I can do this on my own and that nothing has changed. I told myself I could manage my pain through diet and exercise, and I let my fear of the unknown get in the way of the truth. The truth is, I can't. I can't do this alone or "naturally." Now that I think about it, the idea is almost absurd.
There I sat, in the chair in the lab, ready to give a blood sample, find out the next steps in this process, and go home to have a glass of wine and watch the sunset from my patio. What happened was an outburst of tears, something that has become pretty regular, and a reality check. I sat there, and listened as the program coordinator told me I hadn't quite registered enough on their scale for the study- I was too hypersensitive and they needed more. I won't go into the details of the screening process, but needless to say, I was floored. I thought I was in a good place, at least in a functioning place. 
She was surprised to learn I am not treating my FMS with any medications, and even more surprised when I told her I was trying to "do it naturally." I felt my eyes water, the lump in my throat, and I knew I didn't have control. What she said next was probably the only thing I needed to hear- I needed help and I didn't have to go through this alone.
She proceeded to explain how Fibromyalgia affects the brain, the role of Norepinephrine and Dopamine, and how there is a basic chemical imbalance in the brain of a person with FMS. She explained that the problem is not just the pain in the muscles, but also the chemical imbalance in the brain that can often lead to increased hypersensitivity- both physically and emotionally (hence the sporadic, uncontrollable crying- no seriously, she said the tearfulness is due to the hypersensitivity to everything). Without treating the chemical imbalance, it is almost impossible to treat the physical pain. She confirmed that I do have Fibro, especially since I have been diagnosed by a rheumatologist, that it's not all in my head, but often FMS patients feel that way.
I walked out feeling a little shaken up, but realized I needed to get help. I realized I can't do it by myself, and that's really ok.  In the long run, diet and exercise are going to help and need to be part of my treatment, but it can't be the only form of treatment. I've been more aware since I left the office; I've paid more attention to what I am doing and am trying to stop myself from over doing anything- so I won't spiral into more pain.

I've already made my doctors appointment to get a referral for a rheumatologist; hopefully for one who understands Fibromyalgia, who won't refer to it as "a junk diagnosis," and will be able to find a medication that will work for me. I will be going back in a week for a second try at the screening, fingers crossed it will go well.

Friday Night and Everything is Alright

Alright, Alright

I have been looking forward to today all week. I know, it's Friday, who hasn't been, right? Summertime Fridays typically include a post-work week beverage (lately it's been wine), a little grilling, and sitting on the patio with the hubsters while the kids run around in the yard. I, like most people with a M-F/9-5, look forward to the ritual that is Friday. 

This Friday will be different though. Today, I will be leaving work a little early to be screened as a potential participant in a Fibromyalgia study.  I've never participated in anything like this before, although once considered it several years ago.  I didn't participate in the first study for one particular reason: the side effects outweighed the benefits of the risk, and that scared me.

Avoidance is not always the best medicine

After having a not so positive experience with medications in 2008, I've avoided pharmaceutical treatment of my condition. In part, my avoidance comes from fear; I've been afraid of the side effects, afraid of the cost, and mostly afraid that the medication just won't work. The other part of my avoidance is a combination of my dislike for pharmaceutical companies and my desire to treat my Fibro symptoms as naturally as I can. Let's be honest, there isn't a magic pill for EVERYTHING, if there were (and it didn't cost your weight in gold), we would have a cure for AIDS, cancer, and any other disease that plagues our world. 

Sometimes it takes exercise and eating right to be healthy, and the responsibility for our health falls on us. I don't expect my husband, brother, mother, or doctor to tell they are sorry for my health issues; they aren't the cause of my condition and technically, I'm not either. However, I am in control of how I treat my condition and am therefore responsible for making sure it doesn't interfere with my daily life too much.

So, I have been avoiding prescription medications for my Fibro for some time, relying too much on over the counter, anti-inflammatory medications (which are just not enough for someone with my high level of pain). 

Diving In

Friday. Today. That's when I will be screened for the new study. I won't be going into details about it (unless they say I can). I stuck my big tow in and weighed the risk of the side effects against the benefit of participating. The side effects don't seem as bad as the first time I considered participating (less likely to gain weight, sweat more, and feel dizzy). I'm going completely out of my comfort zone to try this, to be part of an experiment that may help the Fibromyalgia community and potentially myself.  The thing is, I'm looking forward to it. I'm not as stressed about the side effects, but am more concerned I won't qualify.  What makes me look forward to the study the most though, is that there is a potential for the pain to stop. I would love to know what its like to live on a pain scale of 2, 3, or 4, and not a 6 or higher. I'm hoping I get to experience that, even if it's only for a 10 week trial.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Damn you Fibro, I'm trying to write thesis!

I've been trying to work on my thesis for over 1 semester or just around 5 months. At this point I feel like I should give up and forget about the whole thing. I'm tired, achey and kind of out of it. I've had espresso and still can't shake the fatigue. I want to ignore all of that, and crunch down on my thesis work because I love what I want to do and want nothing more than to focus on it.

But I can't; my body isn't letting and the Fibro is winning. I don't want it to win.

Do I take my own advice and get rest? I'm not even sure I have the choice, but I want so badly to pretend I don't have this condition. I want the time back that I've lost. I want the memories back I can't seem to find. I want my masters without risking my health. I feel like I've been robbed of so much and I want so badly to have it all back.

Trying to find the strength to go on is half the battle for me and its made writing my thesis twice as complicated as I thought it would it be. I don't know if I'll finish. I hope that I can and I hope that will be enough to keep me going.

For tonight, I'm going to sink into my bed and try to sleep the pain away.

Remembering: of Myself, Part I

This how I started writing this post:
There are times when I feel great- and it shows. I wake up well rested, the dark circles under my eyes are almost gone, it doesn't hurt to put my feet on the floor when I get out of bed, and I'm not dragging myself through the shower just to throw something on at the last minute.  Those are my favorite days; those precious mornings I rarely get where I truly am putting my best foot forward. With Fibro, I don't get those days often, and so I try and make the best of them.

I had to stop there because I didn't want to lie, to myself or others.

I wanted to express the importance of what "my good days" look like; the days when my mind isn't clouded with Fibro fog and I generally feel pretty good. I wanted to focus on how hard it is sometimes to just get out of bed, but when you do and you feel good its important to let yourself reflect that in your outward appearance and demeanor. I really do feel strongly, at least for myself anyways, that it is important to look good when you feel good because that feeling carries you through the day and the positive attitude you share can spill over into days afterwards. But, I find this really difficult to share and to describe. It is by no means a simple task to do everyday and it is one I previously took for granted. The ability to get out of bed in the morning, to go through the motions of the day, when you know the moment you open your eyes that you aren't quite sure if your feet will hurt when they touch the ground, or if the water in the shower will wake you up or lull you back to sleep.

What keeps coming into my head when I think about remembering to love myself is to not forget who I am.  I find it easy to forget myself, and maybe that is also a symptom of living in the world we live in.  It's as though in my fog, in my struggle to live with Fibromyalgia and to just be human, I lose who I am and my sense of self is constantly being diminished or challenged. I know we all struggle- it's the human condition.  We live our lives trying to figure out who we are as a person in our social worlds (do you see what I just did there- sociologist geek shinning through!). I can't stand losing myself in the shuffle of life and I know there has to be away around that...or maybe that is just part of the struggle; to not forget.

I know I am a a bit different anyways- I always have been and have been described by others as "being cut from a different cloth". I have almost never felt like I could fit in anywhere, and yet find myself the constant social butterfly who can chameleon my way into any social situation (for better or for worse). Because of all these things, I find myself forgetting who I am in a sense.  I do not mean this literally, but I know when I am myself again because I sort of wake up. The fog lifts and my mind is clear again.  My convictions always become stronger and I remember that, even in the most difficult of times, I know who I am, what I believe, and what I am willing to fight for.  I am all at once reminded of how I got to where I am, and why I do the things I do. 


I remember and I refuse to let the Fibro, or anyone or anything, to take that away from me.  I have to remind myself that when I get dressed, I am beating my Fibro.  When I put make-up on it is my "war paint" for the day. When I stand firm in my beliefs and respond accordingly, no one is speaking for me but myself. 
When I remember, it is an act of both defiance and self-preservation.

Eating Well, Living Well

A Period of Adjustment

The first year of my diagnosis was weird. I don't know how else to describe it.  I went through a lot of basic adjustment, trying to get a grip on my health, to gain a new understanding of my body, and to figure out what the heck I was supposed to do next.  Prescriptions were the first thing that came along with the diagnosis. I remember being prescribed Tramadol for the pain; I can hear the jokes I used to make with a then friend of mine, "Take two and call me in the morning." I can laugh at it now, not that I didn't then, but after a while two didn't really cut it and it really wasn't funny anymore.

As many women do, I experienced a lot of body issues growing up; I was athletic (I played soccer and lacrosse in middle school and my freshman year of high school, and was a member of the women's lacrosse club in college), but not enough to have really sculpted muscles.  I'm on the short side, and have the frame for an athlete, but not enough drive for it to be a huge part of daily schedule (I'll talk about exercise in another post, because I, of course, have my two cents on it and it may surprise you). I never thought of myself as thin, just healthy, and that was all I really wanted: to look and feel healthy. When I the pain started, I found it difficult to move, to get out of bed, and just live. When I started on the prescription pain killers, it helped enough to get me to my job and to my parent's house, and occasionally to the grocery store for food and to cook for myself. In all honesty, I didn't really feel like it though. I found myself gaining weight here and there, whereas the year before I was eating healthy and going to the gym for a little cardio and strength training.

The more pain I was in, the more I stopped going to the gym and the more comfort food I let myself have.  Eventually, the pain medication I had was not enough, and I would increase my dosage (bad girl!). The combination of all these things lead to more weight, which lead to more pain- it's a cycle really, and it was trap I fell into.  The healthy image I wanted for myself was slipping away, and in 2008 it became worse.

I had started a new job, which ended up being really stressful, so of course my pain levels increased and my then prescription did little to alleviate. With my new job came a lot of time in the car and the need for excessive energy (it was a marketing job- I had to be a peppy little cheerleader for 90% of my day).  Since I was on the road a lot and needed "extra energy" (that's almost funny now too), I would down large amounts of energy drinks, and stop for a quick bite to eat at the nearest fast food joint- usually some place I could get a fully loaded cheeseburger. I even saw a new doctor to treat my pain, who put me a drug cocktail of Lyrica, Abilify, and Lexapro. I'm sure that combination works for some people, but for me, I found myself lethargic, my digestive track was messed up, and was almost unable to drive (not what you want when you are in marketing). To combat this, I chugged more energy drinks, switching to sugar free thinking it would be "better" for me. Ha! In one month, I gained 40 lbs and felt no better than I had before. I was told there was a period of adjustment, and everything would level out, and blahblahblah.  After almost three months, I had to stop. It wasn't working, I was miserable, felt unhealthy, and the cost of buying my meds was like lighting dynamite to my bank account. I couldn't afford any of the costs- financial or health. Beyond my physical discomfort from the weight gain, I started to feel like the inside of my body was a toxic dumping ground.
I had been prescribed physical therapy too, but at $100 a session (for 10 sessions), of which my insurance did not cover a dime, I just couldn't do it. I decided my money would be better spent at the gym with a personal trainer (and I will tell this story in another post, because it too is lengthy).

A few months went by; I was off my little drug cocktail, had started working out at the gym again (very slowly with well planned routines).  I started thinking more about what I had put my body through- the fast food stops, the super size energy drinks, the stress, and the medication. Once the effects of the prescriptions wore off, the feeling of being a walking toxic waste dump really grew on me. In October of 2008, I was terminated from my marketing position for not bringing in the numbers (I was told I was just not mean enough and there were no open positions for me to transfer into).  At first I was devastated, but after a week saw my chance to start over as a blessing in disguise. And so, that January I started working for a local natural food store, and my life changed once more.

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

I had already started paying more attention to what I was eating. I had started making my own food instead of going out to get it.  It took more time to do, but there is something about being involved in making what I was going to eat that brought my mind and body together. I was starting to feel a greater sense of harmony and balance, and more importantly I was starting to feel less animosity towards my self.  While I was working for the natural food store, I learned more about eating healthy foods, about how important it is to read the labels and to know where your food comes from. I felt like I had been completely miseducated about food up to that point. As a kid, I remember we didn't keep table salt around- it was only used while the food was cooking, but never as seasoning on the table. We didn't eat a lot of red meat, and we always had skim milk. I had always considered my family a healthy family; we didn't overeat and our diets were mostly well balanced. Overall, I felt like I had a healthy attitude towards food.

In the months that followed after beginning my new part-time job, I absorbed information about food and eating well.  I wanted to cleanse my body from all I had put into it, and I felt like I had the means to do so. So, I learned about label reading. I learned about organics versus conventional food. I learned about local versus supermarket suppliers.  I learned about different food movements- like vegetarian, vegan, raw, and gluten free. I learned cooking could be fun, and not a chore. And I learned that living in harmony with my body was so much better than trying to tame it and beating it down with medication. (NOTE: This is NOT the case for everyone, consult your physician about your pain medication and ways to manage your pain. I am only speaking from experience.)

I tried different dietary options, the most challenging being the raw foods diet, which I still want to do, but need to really focus on how it works (its especially tough if you have children). The one thing I have been able to stick to the longest and that helps the most is eating an almost exclusive organic diet. There are some things we don't buy organic because of the cost; rice for example is a staple in our home, and to buy organic brown rice would really break the bank, but we never buy "instant" rice.

If you decide to explore different diet options to help manage your pain, I recommend consulting with your physician and maybe even a nutritionist. Here are some things I have tried, reflected on, and might be an option for you.

Organic Food 

It may seem costly at first, or maybe you don't have access to organic foods (I know some small town grocery stores have a limited selection), but organic foods have become a key player in my pain management.  When I kicked processed food to the curb, and went organic, I not only started losing weight immediately, but I felt better just as quickly. Over time, my body has adjusted to the organic lifestyle, and I can tell when I'm eating organic and when I am not. The more I read labels on food packaging, the more I didn't like what I saw.  If you have never read the label on your food before start wit

Perspective: Sharing Words of Wisdom

Mind Deep: Loosening Mind's Bad Habits

Today my mom sent me a link to a wonderful blog she follows, after we had talked last night about relaxation practices. I told her I was blogging, what I was blogging about it, and what direction I want to go with my blog.  Last night it all made sense to me, as it had before I started blogging- my reasons for writing and sharing- and then today I was reading some amazing posts and information from the National Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Association, and I realized I am not doing enough to manage my own pain, not in the way I think I should. It shook me a little; how can I share my experiences if I'm not even really taking care of myself the way I should be or even could be. 

Only after I had opened the message from my mom did I realize I can't let negativity become rooted in my mind. My personal negative thinking was (and still is in some respects), feeds on itself and I am guilty of letting it.  I am now following the Mind Deep blog, and recommend that you check it out. Here is the post my mom shared: Mind Deep: Loosening Mind's Bad Habits. 

Oh Sleep, Sweet Sleep

Sleep. I know I am not the only one that loves it, that even thrives from it. Sleep becomes a different experience and an overwhelming necessity when you have Fibromyalgia. There are many aspects to keeping healthy when living with FMS, not all of which are easy to do for anyone, including restful sleep and healthy sleep habits.  I found that sleep seems to be the most common problem and cure when coping with my Fibromyalgia symptoms.  There is of course the obvious issue of lack of sleep that seems to increase pain symptoms or at least becomes the catalyst for increased pain; but I have also found that there is an emotional side-effect of getting too much sleep (which I hope to have as a topic of another post). Be for warned, this is a long post.

Short wicks, Long hours

I used to burn the candles at both ends, especially when I was in college, and  I was really good at it too.  I remember there were days I would get up around 8 in the morning (which is pretty good by some college student standards), I would go to my classes, get a cup of coffee here and there, and maybe hit the library when I needed to.  I had a lot of papers to write because of my field of study, and found myself getting hyper-focused on my assignments. This system really worked for me; I needed the adrenaline rush of an approaching due date to plug through my papers. I rarely hit a wall in my writing, and when I did, there was always a walk to get coffee, smoke a cigarette (yes, I was a smoker- don't judge me!), and get back to it. There were nights I stayed up till 2:30 in the morning working on my assignments, but I had a sort of high of doing things that way. Before I go any further, let me just emphasize that this is NOT HEALTHY. So after a few nights in a row of working the way I did, I would hit the bar with my friends, have a few drinks, and stay until last call. I figured I worked hard, so I was going to play hard. And I did.

I found that after a few months of my not so healthy, inadvisable system, that I would get sick. It wasn't ever anything in particular, just a reoccurring case of tonsillitis. I never really stopped to think about the consequences of my sleep cycle or lack thereof.  Whenever I was sick, I would just allow myself to curl up in my bed and sleep for long lengths, stuff myself with green tea, vitamin C, and on some occasions an anti-biotic (which of course does nothing for a viral cold). I could sleep for what felt like days before I was better, only getting up to go to the bathroom and if well enough, my classes (again, don't judge me, I knew I wasn't contagious).

Even after college, there were occasions I would continue the cycle of staying up too late, getting up too early, doing too much during the week (I worked two jobs for almost 4 years), and rewarding myself by staying out late on the weekends. It did finally catch up to me though. In 2006, I had to have my tonsils removed because of the reoccurring tonsillitis. And, then in 2007 I was diagnosed with Fibro.

After my diagnosis it seemed like I could never get enough sleep. It still feels that way more often than I care to admit, but I know those around me probably get the sense I'm never well rested. The candle, I should say refuses to burn on both ends now.

The Human Body as a Living Battery

When I understood how my body works and how it works with the Fibromyalgia, things just made more sense, but it blew my mind how interconnected things are when it comes to our bodies.  I want to explain what it means to be constantly exhausted, no matter how much sleep I get.  So here it goes: picture your body like a rechargeable battery.  When you sleep, your battery is recharging with energy while your body is also healing and preparing for a new day. Ideally, when you get the recommended healthy, amount of sleep (I think for adults it ranges from 6-8, but please consult your physician, it is different for everyone) you wake feeling refreshed and ready to start your day, your body is prepared to fight off various ailments, and your sense of well-being is overall much better. When your battery is 100%, you feel 100%. When your battery is at 80% (or lower), you feel exactly that- 80%.

When you have Fibromyalgia, your battery doesn't recharge all the time or all the way, or it doesn't feel like you've recharged all the way. For me, I need at least a solid 8 hours of uninterrupted, blissful sleep. I need the type of sleep where all the lights are off, there isn't any extraneous sounds, the temperature isn't too hot or too cold, and my back and neck are well supported. Even under the most ideal circumstances, there are still nights I feel like I am tossing and turning, and I wake up feeling like I needed at least 2 more hours of sleep. Those are the good nights. On bad nights, I wake every couple of hours. 

Recharge, Refresh, and Rejuvenate

With all the variables that effect my sleep cycle, I think it's important to focus on what really matters: how to get a good night's rest when you have Fibromyalgia. Here are some things I have tried and that have worked for me, but I recommend that if you have persistent sleep problems, whether you have Fibromyalgia or not, you should contact your primary care physician. 

Do not burn the candle at both ends! 

This would seem like an obvious factor, but I know for me there are times I don't even know that I'm doing it.  Take some time each day to think about what time you get up in the morning, what activities you do during the day, and what time you usually go to bed.  Think about how you feel not just the next day, but the whole week, after you've stayed up late and gotten up early. If it helps, keep a journal.  There are some amazing apps out there for smartphones (including one I am trying for pain management, which I hope to report on at the end of the month). We all have busy lives, and it seems like there are "24 usable hours in a day" (a line from an old favorite Empire Records), but cramming each hour with something to do, and keeping a tight, back to back schedule is a good way to let your time get out of your control. Remember that you need to focus on you, as much as you need to focus on the other things that occupy your life.  You can't adequately accomplish all of the things you want to do if you aren't well rested.

Listen to your Body

It may sound crazy, but if you listen closely your body is telling you what you need. When you are so tired that you can hardly stand, you need to take a break; stop what you are doing and give yourself a few minutes to become centered, focused on your body, and relax.  If you are at home, and can take a short nap, listen to your body, a nap might be what you need. I find that there are times when I don't want to nap because I'm afraid that I will miss something, but I also have to be aware that if the desire to nap is so strong that I can't ignore it, that is a good indication that napping is exactly what my body needs. Remember you are only human, and if your battery isn't charging, you need to do what you can to keep what energy you do have going. 

Natural and home sleep remedies

This is where I remind everyone that I am not a doctor. I have no medical training. I only have the knowledge I've gained from my own experience and the steps I've taken to gain that knowledge.  I have found that when I feel like I'm about to have a Fibromyalgia flare, and I know I need more rest, a natural approach is what works best for me. 
First of all, I put aside anything that I'm doing- it can wait, my health is important to me. More often than not, the first thing I do is to take a melatonin tab. I use a melatonin lozenge that is made locally and dissolves on my tongue.  Most drug stores carry melatonin supplements in their vitamin section.  If your city/town has a local, natural food store, I would check there first because those types of stores focus on keeping vitamins and supplements as natural as possible. It has been my experience that one night of taking a melatonin often sets my schedule back on track; my sleep is uninterrupted, and I feel more energized in the morning. Sometimes though, it takes more than 1 night of good rest.  If this is the case, I do not take the lozenges for more than 3 days consecutively.  
If on the second day my sleep has not improved, I will add a warm bath with Epsoms salt and a couple of drops of lavender essential oil, followed by lavender lotion before I crawl into bed.  Epsoms salt can be used to help relax sore muscles and can be found very inexpensively at your local grocery store or pharmacy. Lavender is often used to help with relaxation and as an anti-inflammatory. Lavender essential oil can be purchased at most natural food stores and even online. Some major grocery and pharmacy chains also carry lavender Epsoms salt, so you do not need to buy both.  Because I use both independently of the other (I make my own Lavender Salve, which I will of course share the recipe for), I did purchase each.  If I remember correctly, the lavender oil was around $9 for a bottle, which seemed a little steep but a little goes a long way and I have had my bottle for almost 2 years and have not run out yet. 

Relaxation Practices

Here is where I may lose some of you, but I want to be honest and let you know what has helped me.  When I find I can't sleep and it is not due to overwhelming pain, and my mind will not shut off for the night, I find a relaxation practices help.  Relaxation practices can mean different things to different people.  Practices can include an evening stroll- not some extraneous, calorie burning, sweat inducing walk- just a casual evening stroll with a leisurely pace.  When I go on these walks (which I need to more than I have been), I go with my husband, our 3 kids, and our 2 dogs. The troops can be hard to rally, but they all enjoy the time outside once all is said and done. It gives us a chance to be away from cell phones, away from the household "to do list", and away from the TV.  Where we live, it is quiet, but even in the city peace can be found on a walk.  When we walk, there are times my husband and I just listen; we listen to our children talk about their day, their thoughts, and what matters to them.  This is surprisingly peaceful, and I think it has more to do with hearing about their lives and what their thoughts about the world are. In the summertime, I love listening to all the bugs, frogs, and sometimes birds.  The crickets remind me of my childhood in Maryland, and I always find that relaxing.  
When I can, I try to practice yoga.  There is something about focusing your body on balancing in yoga poses that helps me find my center.  I still consider myself a beginner at yoga and it is okay to feel uncomfortable when you first start practicing yoga; it is not something that we all learn at a young age, and the movements and poses may seem unnatural at first.  Most of the poses I do involve focusing on my breathing, usually in a seated or standing position.  There are some wonderful poses that help loosen tension in your back and neck. If you aren't sure where to start with yoga, and you think it may work for you, look for beginner DVD's online that emphasize on evening practices to help calm you. 
Reading is a long time favorite past-time of mine, and I rarely get to read for pleasure anymore (this WILL change once I am finished with my Master's).  I had the chance to read The Hunger Games series this last month, and I really enjoyed it.  The novels were an easy read, but what was more important was that I slowed down, found a comfy place on the couch to read, and was able to relax while doing so.  Reading is a simple pleasure that helps us to slow our pace, and takes to a place of calm and imagination. 
Finally, when I am really stressed out and need to chill (be it at night or during the day), and nothing else seems to work, I meditate.  I don't sing "om" to myself or burn incense (all the time), but I find a comfortable spot to sit (inside or out), I close my eyes, and I slowly describe to myself the most relaxing place I can think of.  Usually, I take myself to the same place: a small, cool stream that runs through an old forest.  I picture the color of the leaves, the roughness of the bark, how the sun is shinning through the treetops, what sounds I might here, the coolness of the water when it touches my finger tips.  I picture myself sitting on a flat rock by the water and I let the sun warm my face, and my finger tips graze the stream. I tell myself about the breeze the wrestles the leaves, and sings around my skin. I let myself go in this place; it is my favorite place and I have never been there physically. Everyone is different, and this may not be the place for you; perhaps you are at peace on the beach by the ocean, or in a meadow under a tree.  Even if you have never thought of a place to "go" when you need some peace, this is an excellent practice for centering yourself and it works your imagination as you describe to yourself this place that brings your internal peace. 




I know how difficult it can be to find a system of sleep that works best, whether you have Fibro or not.  I know that sleep plays a major factor in how well I feel and the severity of my symptoms. Gaining control of your sleep cycle and sleep habits is just one step in helping to manage and cope with the physical pain that is associated with Fibromyalgia.  When you find a method of recharging your batteries and maximizing the amount and kind of sleep you get, your able to better to manage not only your pain symptoms, but your everyday life.  Big tasks don't seem so overwhelming, and as you are better able to care for yourself, you are better able to accomplish your goals, strike out those "to do's", and mostly, to care for others.  Always listen to your body- it is telling you what you need most. 

Departure: The end of one journey, and the start of another

I have moved and traveled for the majority of my short life. I was born in Texas and moved to Kentucky, Virginia, and Maryland before I reached my freshman year of high school. At the end of my sophomore year, my mom moved to Montreal, where I lived with her for a year before moving back to Maryland to live with my dad for my senior year of high school. After graduation, I wanted to move back north, and found myself in the Eastern Townships of Quebec for 4 years of college. In college, I moved from campus, to an off-campus apartment, and then back to campus again. During that time, my dad and step-mom moved to Indiana to care for their aging relatives, where I joined them after graduating. I am no stranger to moving, relocating, and starting over, and have always considered myself able to adapt to new things in my life with ease. I dreamed of living and working in Paris or London, enticed by the idea of big city living, in foreign places; I day dreamed about holidays spent in traveling through Europe, possibly going to Southeast Asia and all points beyond. There were no limits to where my imagination could take me, no journey I wouldn't embark on if given the opportunity; I knew where my roots were, but I wanted to see how far my wings could take me. 

It was 2007, and I was waking up for work. My alarm had gone off, and I had just begun to open my eyes to the sunshine that had flooded my apartment. It was almost summer, and already getting warm inside and out of my one-bedroom. I had the brief flickering thought that I was possibly late for work, and as the panic set in I realized I would never forget this morning. I thought I was going to scream, but I wasn't sure that would really resolve the intense pain I was feeling. It didn't take long for me to realize the cause of my intense discomfort; my arms were crossed tightly across my body, my hands were clenched into fists and locked shut, my jaw was locked closed, and my legs were bent at my knees. I felt like my body was a discarded, crumpled piece of paper. I'm not sure how I managed to come untangled. I'm not even sure now how long it took, but it felt like hours before I could put my feet on the floor and drag myself to my shower.

The next few hours are fuzzy, a now common occurrence in my life. I remember driving to work almost two hours late, explaining to my boss over the phone the intense pain I was feeling. I remember my tears were hot streaming down my face, and I was grateful for the flexibility in our office- I was wearing jeans and no make-up. I remember turning around when I was almost to work, convinced by my boss to call my doctor, stay home for the day, and rest. I remember the short burst of relief I felt when my doctor managed to fit me in that day, but my pain was still there. My doctor was able to give me a two week script for a pain killer, enough to get me by until I could see one of the three arthritis doctors she referred me to. When I asked what was wrong with me, she replied "It could be one of three things: rheumatoid arthritis, Lupus, or Fibromyalgia." None of my options sounded too good.

In between doctors’ visits, blood work, reading up on all three of my potential diagnoses, and waiting at the pharmacy for whatever remedies that could be supplied; I knew my life was changing. I felt like I was on a merry-go-round of emotions, contemplating my own mortality, doubting my sanity, and blaming myself and my actions for what I was going through (I thought my experience was part of some cosmic, universal punishment; my karmic fruit if you will). A few weeks later, my diagnosis was confirmed by a rheumatologist: Fibromylagia was the big winner.

That was the day I began my journey into something I knew nothing about- chronic pain. That was almost 5 years ago. I was 24.